Tuesday, July 21, 2009

dust.

i think that was the first time i've actually been scared in a long time. the oregon countryside, pitch black, winding and completely unfamiliar roads. i was trying to sing along with the music on the stereo to lull myself into some false calm, but i could hear my heart beating too loudly in my ears and i was unsuccessfully trying to forget every horror movie i've ever seen. and i was lost. totally lost.

it was so different once i found my way back to natalie's and we started over again, this time with her confidently blazing the trail before me so i knew how to come home.

and i thought of peter walking on the waves toward Jesus, looking around and becoming afraid. there isn't some deep metaphor for my life here. i was just thinking about fear, and feeling like you aren't going to make it, like something terrible is just about to happen, and how maybe peter could also hear his heart pounding too loud and feel his hands shaking. and how different it is when you are following someone who knows where they are going, and they are showing you the way. and maybe it was good for me to feel just a little bit of real fear because it helps remind me that i live in a bubble of safety and privilege most of the time, and so i don't always feel like i need to depend on God because so many of my needs are already met. sometimes He is just meeting emotional needs. and then i have small moments where i remember how fragile i am and how very human. and i need Him so much.

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