Tuesday, September 1, 2009

my lot.

something strange has happened to me this summer. for years, and i mean years, i have brought to God prayers about how much i wish i didn't live as a slave to to-do lists and schedules and efficiency. i've bemoaned this aspect of my personality and asked Him to teach me how to love the things that are really important. and this summer He has been changing my heart regarding this very area, but has done it so sneakily i didn't even realize it was happening. His avenue of choice? babysitting.

i can't tell you how draining my job is when i am watching the clock and trying to plan out the entire night and making predictions on how long i can keep the kid entertained with this particular activity and trying to think of at least two other activities i can line up after this one. it just sucks the joy out of everything. i mean, does that sound exhausting? i assure you it is.

and the last few weeks, something has happened, and i can't quite put it into words, but it looks something like sitting with nezzy on a grassy hill overlooking the river while the breeze ruffles my hair, and reading him a book in silly voices to make him giggle almost uncontrollably. it looks like nezzy lying down on the grass and looking hopefully up at me until i crawl over and blow raspberries on his tummy, and he laughs so hard i wonder if he is still breathing. it looks like making cookies with charlie. it looks like lying with evan on the grass pointing out shapes in the clouds on a perfect summer day, and sitting at the piano with him playing simple chords while he concentrates on plucking out a little improvised melody (kind of like another boy i know, actually). it looks like not caring what time it is, because the goal is not waiting at the end of an alloted amount of time; it is much more about being present with these children and enjoying the gift of their company right then, right in the moment. life becomes far less about endurance and much more about enjoying the blessings you were too busy to notice before.

and all i can do is cry out in agreement with wise old solomon:

To enjoy your work and accept your lot in life--this is indeed a gift from God. God keeps such people so busy enjoying life that they take no time to brood over the past.

Ecclesiastes 5:19

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