Tuesday, December 29, 2009

steps.

i spend all this time yearning to know the future, trying to peer into the foggy distance and discern which ways my path will twist and turn. in fact, the amount of time i spend considering this phantom future borders on absurd, and although i chant with the rest of us, "be in the present," i think this crick in my neck is from craning it to try and catch a peek of my fortune, my destiny.

and i have to say to you, thank God that He doesn't give in to my temper tantrums. thank God that He lets me rage and scream, and then when the fear has turned to tears streaming down my face, thank God that He sits on the floor with His arms around me and rocks me until the sobs subside.

because the truth is, i can't handle all that knowing. i would be crippled, i would be paralyzed with fear, i would think it impossible and plant my feet and live like a little pathetic plant, barely growing in the shade and longing for a drink of sunshine. and so there is something to this idea that God only tells you what step you need to take next, because there is so much to do to prepare you for each step. i think about how God has knit together my choices and the choices of others in a way that lets me know that i am loved, that i am treasured, that i am worth the time He takes to discipline me and refine me and change me. and yes, i am still me, but i am so different. college has seen such dramatic change in my soul, in my heart, and i whisper thank you, thank you, because it makes me realize that God is working with all those daily moments, all those things that seem disconnected and random, and He is more than capable of incorporating them into this story that He is writing for the world.

and that brings me to my knees.

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