i always think about jake telling me a story once and saying that he went into his bedroom, closed the door, and announced out loud, "God, we need to talk."
i know that God is holy and that when i see Him face-to-face someday i will realize how unworthy i am. but i like thinking of Jesus as my friend more than any other way. i like to imagine Him walking by the canal with me and sitting by me in a coffee shop while i listen to music and laughing with me late at night when i'm sleep deprived and everything is funny. i like that because those things translate into intimacy for me, and i have prayed to fall in love with Jesus for a long time. and i think He has been wooing me all the while and i haven't even realized it, because culture portrays falling in love as something very different than how it actually happens in real life. i say this because when i prayed to fall in love with God, i imagined some momentous event that would cause me to fall to my knees in adoration, but instead what has happened is a gradual dependence, so that if i go a day without talking to God, i feel it, i really feel it deeply in my soul. a fine watch can be thrown off by a grain of dust (thank you for that, sheldon vanauken). and i'm coming to feel the distance or the sin in my life more acutely than ever before, like a pebble in my shoe, rubbing my soul raw the longer i put it off. it's less about one big event that changes your heart and more about slowly but surely coming to need and want Jesus. maybe this applies to falling in love with another person as well. i don't know for sure. i'll let you know as i learn more about what falling in love means, whether it's with God, or with another human being, made of dust but capable of loving nonetheless, because we are God-breathed, we are made in His image, and He is love.
apologies for these garbled thoughts. i need this break to sort some things out in my mind. to be continued?