i'm just going to forewarn you that this is an anticlimactic and frankly overly obvious blog posting. and i need to think about it a lot more, to let it simmer in my mind for a while before i realize exactly what it means about God and how i look for Him and listen for Him, and then respond to Him in my life. so. here it goes.
i am changing. i mean, there is character development in the story of my life. and i think about little things, like the fact that i used to despise tea, and now i drink two or three cups a day, and i chuckle a little. and then there are the bigger things, like my journey with sarcasm as a particular brand of humor, and how i couldn't change that or learn to hold my tongue until i learned that my sarcasm was actually something to hide behind, a way to maintain distance from other people and lick my wounds and never be real or vulnerable with anyone. i came to this realization that i was using my words and my humor like a sword, like a smug, self-righteous weapon, and this was robbing me of the kind of relationships for which i yearned. and that is a heck of a lot more motivating reason to change, when it isn't about people being oversensitive and needing to learn to adjust to you, but when it's about having real intimacy in relationships, and letting other people see you for who and what you really are.
and all this change, this development of my character, points me to God. maybe this doesn't make sense to everyone. but i can't help but think of the Author when i realize what is going on in my story.
more to come. if you haven't guessed already, i'm reading the new donald miller book right now, and per usual, it's exploding in my mind and heart.