Tuesday, February 9, 2010

teenage angst: the college years.

confession: i think only dear mr. kyle has learned this about me because he chooses, incredibly, willingly, to spend so many hours with me, but

i am moody.

or maybe that it's intimacy issues? i can't quite decide. it's something like that. and i have realized this since coming to college and living with the same community all the time instead of several separate, fairly unconnected worlds in the pre-college days. there are times when i feel like i want to disconnect, or hide, or run away, or show less than the necessary patience and grace toward the people i'm around.

and the very worst part about this is that after they leave, i feel terrible. gut-wrenchingly horrible. because i love them, and this is not the way i want to treat the people i love. it feels like something else crawls inside my skin and makes me act in a hurtful or just plain immature manner toward these people that i adore, the ones that i pray for and trust and really need in my life. and all they see is this moody monster, and not my real heart, which very nearly cracks in half at the thought of how much i love them.

i feel your pain, paul.

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