Friday, April 16, 2010

well-oiled machine.

i went down to the canal today, because i had a half hour and it was such a good friend to me last spring. my relationship with God is always changing, and i think that is how it is supposed to be, but sometimes i long for last spring by the canal. it was one of the richest and most tender seasons with God i have ever experienced.

so i picked a spot in the sun, and i sprawled out on the green green grass to which i am so allergic, and i stared up at the tree branches making designs against the sky above me. and i tried to empty my mind. that may sound yoga-ish, but i read a book by madeleine l'engle called a ring of endless light and the main character sits by the ocean and practices emptying her mind to deal with her stresses and to connect with God. i really loved the book, so i attempted it a few times over christmas break, but i hadn't done it in months and months.

so today, as i lay there trying to think of nothing, trying to have a blank slate and simply be a part of the trees and the river and the grass, i realized

how much is going on in my mind all day.

i honestly don't know if i could go for more than a few seconds without a thought popping into my mind. and it wasn't even stress-related. it was images from commercials i saw running on the treadmill this morning and jokes and homework assignments and a myriad of other random topics. i realized that i never stop or slow down, that my goal is to squeeze efficiency out of every moment, and so when i have a spare one i immediately prioritize my to-do list. catch up on email? reading for class? call mom or dad? reply to that text from this morning? what do i have time to make for dinner? is chris in his office, and can i stop by to see him?

and so it was astounding to realize that my mind is always running like a well-oiled machine, that i squeeze every drop of productivity that i can out of every moment of the day, and that this all means

there is a good chance i am making it very difficult for myself to hear God.

how to stop and breathe?

1 comment:

  1. I love Madeleine L'engle. I'm happy that you have this blog so that I can still know a little bit about what goes on with you. I know it's natural and good for us to move on and begin new things, but sometimes it does make me a little sad. I love you SJ, and I am so so happy that you are doing so well.