Monday, August 16, 2010

a smattering.

i don't really have any coherent thoughts, or some neat, simple lesson all tied up with a bow and ready to present to you.

i've just been musing over what it means to be generous, to live simply and not simply to be swept away by the groupthink of culture, which says BIGGER and BRIGHTER and NEWER and MONEY MONEY MONEY. what does it look like to live without worrying about being cool or admirable?

i've been thinking a lot about what it means to be comfortable in your own skin, and i've been remembering my independence, remembering that things are still beautiful, evenings are still pleasant, even when i'm not spending them with the one boy i love. last week i went on a walk by myself. i hadn't done that in a long time.

i've been pondering what it means to have true intimacy with someone, the kind that embarrasses you because all sorts of things come to the surface that you didn't even want to know about yourself. i think this sort of relationship is the most dangerous but also ultimately what God intends for relationships. i crave closeness with others, but i don't like what intimacy uncovers in me. i'm slowly, slooooowly learning to not run away or quit when that happens.

i've been thinking about the sort of person i want to be, and what choices i would have to make to be that person. i hope i start making those choices with more consistency.

and i haven't journaled much lately. i wonder if that's because i'm busy, or because i have other ways of wanting to relate to God now, or if i'm just afraid to peer inside of myself and see what's going on.

two more weeks of nannying.

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