Saturday, September 17, 2011

through and through.

i'm a few weeks into a rather intense class of spiritual healing at my church, and i've been wary of sharing too much about the process.  i'm trying to intentionally keep most of the class private in an effort to make the revelations i have more authentic, not just for the purpose of sounding impressive and/or deep to other people.  i've also been thinking lately about why i created this blog in the first place, and i think it was about creating a space to be honest and turn my thoughts over in a medium that falls somewhere between my journal and coffee dates--less intimidating than eye contact, but more vulnerable than the private space of my journal.  and i suppose i also hoped for a new way to connect with and even encourage the people in my life.

so i will share that so far, i've been realizing how deeply i am still bound by certain expectations and pressures.  i know in my head and say with my mouth that i can see through the tricks and lies, but my heart lags behind.  to be candid, i am wrestling (again?) with questions of identity.  (yes--again).  this past year my friends and i talked often about our freshman selves, usually tinged with laughter and jokes--oh, the dorms, the awkwardness, etc.  we felt so wise and confident in our senior selves, in the familiarity of the campus and our extracurricular activities and friend groups.

but lately i have remembered freshman sarah and felt an affinity with her, because i am back in a place of major transition and it is just as hard as i remember it.  i am realizing that i can't dismiss identity crisis as something i encountered and conquered when i was 18.  i am different than i was back then, but i am still asking questions of who i am and where i belong.  in some ways, this time around is more intense, because i lack the structure of school and PAs and Chapel team time.

i will not allow the desire to impress people rule my life.  i will not allow appearances to be the most important factor to consider.  i will not allow society's idea of gender roles to shape me into someone who cares more about her waist than her heart.  i will not allow the pain of strained relationships scare me into isolation.  i will not be so concerned with how others perceive me that i miss out on true intimacy.  i will not allow fear of the unknown to frighten me into a rigid schedule with no life in it.  i will not try to be perfect or try to control unpredictable events.  i will not get so caught up in keeping up with the jones' that i forget to do something meaningful and generous with my life.  i will not care about the labels of my clothing.  i will not try to control what others think of me.  i will not despair about my future.

i hope.  Jesus, make my life something good in your sight.

"So if the Son sets you free, you are free through and through."  John 8:36

1 comment:

  1. i resonate. you're good at making sense of things that are just jumbled ideas in my head.