i have been quiet here lately. lots of thinking, conversing, praying, and changing in my life right now, and it has been important for me to be fully present in those moments, not cheapening anything by working too hard to reduce something life-changing into a tasty blog-sized bite.
nonetheless, i've been thinking about this space and feeling drawn toward sharing on this canvas again--always trying to ensure it is a natural process and not forced sharing to "get a post out."
as i mark four months in the corporate office setting, i have found myself led to the discipline of thankfulness, the intentional enjoyment of the little things. this was familiar-sounding advice to me--be present, enjoy, blah blah blah--but it didn't totally click until i read this blog by my pastor. this line in particular resonated with me:
"Our ingratitude over the simplest gifts that are breaking into our lives has the affect of creating a downward spiral. Ingratitude leads to loss of trust in our relationship with God. This leads to a loss of intimacy. And, as with any relationship where intimacy is lacking, we find ourselves looking to fill the void that’s left."
i have been very unhappy filing papers, getting paper cuts, staring at computer screens, listening to the buzzing of florescent lights. it is not my dream job. but in my fixation on the negative, i created both a terrible anxiety within myself and a wound in my relationship with my Creator. i felt it building inside of me, the fear, the panic.
so. instead of dwelling obsessively on how i can escape or move on to something better--instead, i have been working hard to notice the little things i appreciate right now. i realized that i want to be able to tell the story someday of when i worked at the seafood company, but i don't actually want to live that chapter in my life. this is not how life works! surprise! there is no fast forward button. you're in the present, and for better or worse--this, too, shall pass. what i mean is, whatever it is that makes up your present, it will pass, eventually. you may miss it acutely when it is gone, or you may rejoice; regardless, things are always changing, and too often i am in a hurry through my current season, my eye fixed on some future, shiny season that looks more promising from afar.
i am trying to ask different questions now: how can i enjoy this moment? what about this will i miss someday? can i enjoy this right now instead of only realizing its value in retrospect?
and this is healing the anxiety within me and inviting me to trust God more deeply.
so in this season i am especially grateful for an office that nestles next to the canal, and faces west, so that on my breaks from the office--or even just walking down the hall toward the copier--i might contemplate the beauty and majesty of God as reflected by the water and the sky. i love the sunny days and the stormy days, and i love watching the sunset each afternoon through the office windows. it takes my breath away each time i step outside, even in the rain. i am glad to notice the boats and the different colors of the water and the way the seasons have slowly changed--summer melting into fall, fading into winter. i am glad for this. and i think i will miss it someday.