i tell you true, i want to share my life with you. i want to not hide in the shadows or wrap myself in silence. i want to open my arms to you and laugh with you and tell you the way i really feel about things--when i'm confident and when i'm afraid and when something rings a chord deep inside my being and i know i was created for this.
but i'm afraid of opening up too much, afraid of using these moments only to tell you the exciting things i am doing and not capturing the nitty gritty moments of my life. because yes, there are those moments of beauty or social activity that i want to celebrate and capture, to hold tight in my memory, but i also pack my lunch every night in the same old lunch bag and go to bed early just to get up for work the next day. i clean the bathroom and wipe crumbs off the table and clip my toenails.
and i want to know how to share my life with you, the real living as well as the real moments of celebrating, without false editing. heaven forbid i snip out out the unglamorous parts to look impressive. yet i also fear the trap of over-sharing details of my life. i want privacy, but i want connection.
i especially struggle to know how to use these new-fangled tools of communication properly. i blog and i facebook and i instagram, so many outlets to put on a good face. how can i show you my true self? how i be true and honest to the core?
Jesus says, "Be especially careful when you are trying to be good so that you don't make a performance out of it. It might be good theater, but the God who made you won't be applauding."
He also says, "And when you come before God, don't turn that into a theatrical production either. All these people making a regular show out of their prayers, hoping for stardom! Do you think God sits in a box seat? Here's what I want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place so you won't be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace."
i am trying to learn what it means to live simply and honestly. this includes the way i use social media.
oh God, keep me from living my life on display just for attention. there is no deep reward in that way of living. i want to do my good deeds in secret and not feel the need to make a facebook status or a blog post to bring their attention to it. when you saw religious people helping the poor or praying or fasting only for the attention and applause of others, you said, "I tell you the truth, that is all the reward they will ever get."
oh God, may you also keep me from living in fear of intimacy. i don't want to live so much of my life in secret that no one knows me. i don't want to hide behind silence and stillness and a lack of vulnerability. i want to love deeply and share my heart and confess my sins to those around me. i want to cry and laugh until i snort with the people you bring along.
may i know the difference between performance and authenticity.
may i know the difference between intimacy and isolation.
i am thankful for some time in the mountains of idaho this weekend with my sweet sweet chris and his lovely family. there is space here to think and beauty to behold. and while i am so happy to tell you about my vacation and the treats here in idaho-land, i also want you to know that i worked all week and bleached the sink and did three loads of laundry before we got to fly out last night. i hope this is an honest picture, and i will continue to pray about the ability to live authentically into this life God has given me, in real life and through these tools of social media. i need it from you, too. please.