Wednesday, December 12, 2012

pause.

i make oatmeal in a coffee cup for a snack (there are no bowls in the office lunchroom).  i break a few of my apple slices up into smaller pieces to make it apple cinnamon oatmeal.

i read about loving my enemies and i think about the people at the office who make me boil inside, about what it would mean to soften the brittle exterior i hold up against them in defense of myself and the sensitive parts of me.

i read reflections on advent, waiting, and consumerism.  i am a little overwhelmed and not sure what to do to observe this season of the Christan calender with meaning and purpose.  to state the obvious, the season been high-jacked by a culture obsessed with materialism and isolation, so christmas now equates more with stuff and nostalgia than "the weary world rejoicing."  there are so many opinions and approaches for christians to cut away the excess; there are so many references to unicorns.  it is strange to be attempting to prepare, emotionally and practically, for your own wedding and re-location (and even your own birthday...okay, okay, but still) while simultaneously trying to focus on the true meaning of advent and christmas.  i have too many things i want to deeply ponder, and i end up retreating into my novel.

"i want to change the world / instead, i sleep"  --ingrid michaelson.

today, after work, i will drive home and i will begin putting my things in boxes, emptying drawers and bookshelves so my furniture is ready to be packed into a small uhaul van this saturday morning.  i will convince chris to make a stop for a latte before we drive, because i like to celebrate the weekends by drinking a cup of milky coffee (weekdays are for milky tea).  i'm always wishing i could pause life so i can figure out how much it all means; i don't feel like i have time to really cherish each moment the way i want to, swept up by all those little tasks and commitments; i feel the longing for a pause button acutely in these last few weeks.  advent.  marriage.  commitment.  differentiation.  family.  hope.  how can i let such things seep into my soul?  will it be squeezed in somehow? 

(maybe it happens in the little stuff of daily living?)

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