Wednesday, November 19, 2014

new histories.



I'm in a funny place of stability again, the stark opposite of the turmoil and stress and false starts that characterized my life for more than a year.  In typical fashion, I have found ways to fret and obsess over even this new, cushy job--my thought process goes something like, Now that I have a job and it isn't horribly stressful (and in fact seems to leave plenty of time for coffee runs and blog reading and lunch dates in the ebb and flow of the day), what will I do with all this energy and time?  

(As though the past year and a half of trudging through depression and therapy and multiple deconstructions of the self wasn't excruciatingly difficult work; as though I've been lazy and finally need to get on with it).

I am trying to allow myself to settle in and take a few deep breaths before I make any big decisions about what to pursue, but I'm discovering my restless anxiety to know what's next is sort of woven into me--for so long I thought the itch was because I wasn't working, and I was sad or numb nearly all the time, and just wanted to get on with things instead of hiding in my apartment every day.  I thought the anxiety stemmed from my belief that my life was over at twenty-five, that nothing would ever get better.  But now I'm working again, and playing in a community orchestra, and volunteering at the little church we've been attending--in other words, my life wasn't over--and it still feels like I'm waiting for what comes next.  I'm still asking myself what I'm going to do with my life, and I struggle with an at-times crushing anxiety over the fact that I still don't seem to have an answer.

(As though the things I'm doing with my life right now don't count; as though work and music and church are all false and the real things, whatever they might be, are out there awaiting).

Last week my therapist said, You can't know before you know, which has become increasingly comforting to me since I first heard it.  If I don't know exactly who I feel called to be, or what activities I want to devote myself to, or which field of study I might pick to pursue a master's degree in, or what kind of work will cause sparks in my soul--then I don't know, yet.  And maybe I will stumble upon a revelation, or maybe I will just make a choice between many interesting options, or maybe some choices will even be forced on me.  Who knows?  I can't know before I know, who I'll be, what my work will be, how I will choose to live.

When I know, I'll know.


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