Monday, January 19, 2015

the first step.

"For me, the first step was admitting what was true, at first, only to myself. We all have these weird rules about what we should love and what should make us happy and how things should work. Should is a warning sign, frankly. When you’re using the word should more and more often, it’s a sign that you’re living further and further from your truest, best self, a sign that you’re living for some other set of parameters or affirmations that you think will bring you happiness.

This is what I know: SHOULD never brings happiness.

I felt like I should be so happy because I was doing the things I thought I wanted to do...I didn’t let myself say I was tired and the math wasn’t working and I was losing my ability to love and taste and experience my life, because that felt like failure, like a stronger woman would have been able to manage it all.

And then all at once, staring up at the ceiling in Texas I realized that I didn’t care anymore about SHOULD. If someone else wanted to try to live this life, frankly, they were more than welcome to try. Because I didn’t want it anymore. I wanted a new way of living, and I didn’t care what I had to admit about myself to get it.

I’m not as strong as you thought? Fine.

I have limitations I’ve been trying to hide? Here they are.

I’m not impressive? Doesn’t bother me a bit.

You can have all those labels and accolades. Because they haven’t helped me one bit.

What I wanted was a way of living that felt more like living and less like drowning.

And saying it out loud to myself was the first and most important step."

-From the beloved Shauna Niequist

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